Marriage, fatherhood, family—facing these challenges is like walking along a plank.
You strive to walk down the middle of the plank and avoid falling off the edges. Problem is that there are trolls living under the plank, throwing rocks at you from time to time to try and knock you over the edge.
As time goes on, you learn how to walk down the plank with more confidence. The plank seems to widen with time. As you gain knowledge and experience, you learn how to stay far from the edges so that you never fall.
Life can hit you pretty hard now and then. This is just reality. With a family, the hits get harder and the consequences of falling down become much more severe.
I have lived nearly four decades on this planet and in that time I have seen bad things happen to people I know and love.
- A newly married couple gets pregnant, and the husband abruptly abandons his wife.
- A Korean wife of a Korean-Canadian husband suddenly leaves the West for the comforts of her native Seoul, never to return.
- Job termination forces a family to move across the continent right before the wife is due to give birth.
These are all real situations from people I know from my own life. In all of these situations, these misfortunes were born of both bad luck and poor choices—both.
Falling and stumbling over the plank’s edge is always a peril for any family. Bad luck are the rocks that those damn trolls keep throwing at you. Poor choices lead you closer to the edge so that the rocks have a better chance of hitting you.
Accept the reality that the plank exists
The point is not to be scared of the plank, but accept that the edges exist, and respect that the fall is high.
The thought is liberating if you let it. It is the same reason why being keenly aware of your approaching death is liberating. Knowing where doom lies lets you truly live life to the fullest, because you have an exact reference point.
Nothing heightens the senses like knowing and respecting the boundaries of the plank.
When I was in Peru hiking the Inca Trail, there were several points where I walked along a sheer cliff edge, just inches from falling to my death. I was never more sure-footed in my life, because I knew that one wrong step would mean the end of me. At the same time, I never felt more alive, knowing exactly where the edges of death were.
Me taking a break beside a sheer cliff edge on the Inca Trail
So how does a father keep his footing? How does he ensure that he never even approaches the edges of the plank?
The lizard brain will keep you safe
As a husband and father, it is your responsibility to ensure that disaster never happens. That is why we dads come factory-installed with the lizard brain—the ancient seat of the survival instinct.
The primitive, lizard part of the brain protects you from stuff that will lead to complete disaster.
The lizard brain ensures that men never leave the house without the Holy Trinity: wallet, keys, and cell phone. The lizard brain also never allows the Holy Trinity to get lost or stolen when going about town. The lizard brain always has men disengage the parking brake while driving. Whatever a man does for work (forklift driver, heart surgeon, master craftsman, whatever) the lizard brain focuses on the task at hand and avoids disaster.
Use your lizard brain to ensure bad things don’t happen. Always be aware of where the plank’s edge is.
Remember: falling off the plank’s edge is a factor of both bad luck and poor choices
Living a life of joy and fulfillment requires knowing where the boundaries lie. Once you know where the boundaries of the plank are, then you can truly expand your horizons.
Does this mean you should never take risks? Of course not. But they should be calculated risks where the worst case scenario would not put your family’s well-being in jeopardy.
Falling off the plank’s edge is a factor of bad luck and poor choices—both.
The more poor choices you make in life, the further you stray to the plank’s edge. The closer you are to the edge, the more easy it is for the damn trolls underneath to pick you off with a rock.
Think about the man who has an affair with a co-worker. They have their fun, with the secure knowledge that they made all precautions to avoid discovery by their spouses. Little do they know that their guilt shows through and their spouses become suspicious…
Think about the man who secretly pops opioids in his basement when his wife is asleep. No harm done, what the wife does not know does not hurt her. Unfortunately, over time his night time habit rolls over into the daytime, making him drowsy on the drive to work…
Avoid poor choices in life. Avoid bad habits in life that lead to poor choices. The fewer of these you make, the less likely you’ll get hit by bad luck.
The successful father
The successful father lives a life of moderation. He has a keen awareness of where doom lies. Recognition of that is a sign of maturity and honor.
It is a sign that he will never fall off the edges of the plank that he walks along. He is sure-footed and secure, with his middle finger raised high to the trolls below in salute.
Over time, the plank widens as his experience broadens and his successes flourish. Over time, the edges recede into the distance.
At that time he knows that he has won his war.